…T.O. Needs a Wife
Heigh-ho the dairy-O,
T.O. Needs a Wife!
–Children’s Song (sort of)
Villages in Africa have reported rampages of vandalism in the night. The culprits? Bands of adolescent male elephants. See, the herd knows better than to deal with these out-of-control teenaged pachyderms: they send them off into the bush together. I guess it’s the elephant equivalent of “don’t come home ‘til you’re grown.” So perhaps we shouldn’t be too hard on T.O.; perhaps it’s a phenomenon common to all immature male mammals. Testosterone is a dangerous substance (yes, even when completely naturally occurring). Without focus and judgment, this hormone alone can cause even a centered young man to run amuck – to wrap up the animal kingdom metaphor.
We know that Owens has focus; he wouldn’t be the elite athletic specimen that he is without tremendous discipline and singleness of vision. Ah, but judgment is another matter entirely. ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd recently joked that men needed wives because when they decided to blow a grand on a new car audio system their buddies would say, “sweet, dude” while their wife would say, “shut up and eat your oatmeal.” Even the most misogynistic man I know once told me that men need women to keep them civilized.
Much as the feminist in me rebels against the “woman behind the great man” model, does anyone really think Bill Clinton would have been President without Hillary? Would Brett have survived in the NFL without Deanna? How about Eli and Peyton without their mom Olivia? To paraphrase actress Ellen Burstyn, women are not “assistant people”, but there IS a reason that we have two sexes. It’s called balance. T.O. has no yin to temper his excessive yang energy. All that A-type yang has made him a world-class athlete, but the lack of a complementary force makes him an incomplete individual. And it’s a shame; he’s clearly not an evil guy. To my knowledge Terrell Owens hasn’t hurt any women, children or animals. He’s not in trouble with the law or running around abusing his body with too much nightclubbing, drugs or alcohol. From what I’ve heard he’s even polite and gracious with fans. Frankly, I think we need to cut the guy some slack in the criticism department.
Who is there at T.O.’s house to tell him to “shut up and eat his oatmeal”? Who’s around to assure him that he’s still a good guy when he says something stupid and the media skewers him? What woman reminds him that he’s only human after a 12-catch game and assures him that he’s still loved when he drops 5 in a row? If there were, he wouldn’t constantly beg for so much love from the rest of the world? 81’s neediness is palpable and rather sad, not to mention how embarrassing it is to witness a grown man who never learned to play well with others or share his toys.
But not just any woman will do (right, Tony Romo?). Deion Sanders runs a rookie training program called Prime U. He devotes an entire section of the curriculum to the dangers of gold-diggers and people who can drag you and your newly signed millions straight into the gutter. The instructors are females decked out to make the young pre-draftees drool. I’m frankly surprised the kids hear a word that comes out of their mouths – but the interviews proved that Deion was a genius. The young men gave credence to the lecture BECAUSE of the way those teachers looked. I guess you have to be a guy to appreciate the kind of laser-like focus a young male can center onto a sexy female. T.O. obviously needs a little work in this area, lest anyone forget that disaster of a publicist and her “25 million reasons to be alive”! At least SOMEONE cared enough about Owens to convince him to ditch her!
Perhaps football fans should start a non-profit dedicated to matching single football players with young women of substance. That’s a good cause for anyone who’d rather see T.O. catching over the middle than humiliating himself doing shirtless sit-ups for the cameras or Romo throwing TD’s rather than doing ANYTHING with that Simpson person! The days of playboy Joe Namath and playing hung over for the Raiders are over, boys. I can’t imagine the number of rudderless girls who throw themselves at NFL athletes and the number of single post-teenaged millionaires who roam the nightclub Serengeti looking for trouble – and finding it like Vick or Burress. Sexists may call spouses a “ball and chain” but there’s nothing wrong with a solid anchor in the stormy seas of an NFL career. Maybe Michelle Obama has a younger sister we can introduce to Terrell.
…T.O. Needs a Wife
Heigh-ho the dairy-O,
T.O. Needs a Wife!
–Children’s Song (sort of)
Villages in Africa have reported rampages of vandalism in the night. The culprits? Bands of adolescent male elephants. See, the herd knows better than to deal with these out-of-control teenaged pachyderms: they send them off into the bush together. I guess it’s the elephant equivalent of “don’t come home ‘til you’re grown.” So perhaps we shouldn’t be too hard on T.O.; perhaps it’s a phenomenon common to all immature male mammals. Testosterone is a dangerous substance (yes, even when completely naturally occurring). Without focus and judgment, this hormone alone can cause even a centered young man to run amuck – to wrap up the animal kingdom metaphor.
We know that Owens has focus; he wouldn’t be the elite athletic specimen that he is without tremendous discipline and singleness of vision. Ah, but judgment is another matter entirely. ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd recently joked that men needed wives because when they decided to blow a grand on a new car audio system their buddies would say, “sweet, dude” while their wife would say, “shut up and eat your oatmeal.” Even the most misogynistic man I know once told me that men need women to keep them civilized.
Much as the feminist in me rebels against the “woman behind the great man” model, does anyone really think Bill Clinton would have been President without Hillary? Would Brett have survived in the NFL without Deanna? How about Eli and Peyton without their mom Olivia? To paraphrase actress Ellen Burstyn, women are not “assistant people”, but there IS a reason that we have two sexes. It’s called balance. T.O. has no yin to temper his excessive yang energy. All that A-type yang has made him a world-class athlete, but the lack of a complementary force makes him an incomplete individual. And it’s a shame; he’s clearly not an evil guy. To my knowledge Terrell Owens hasn’t hurt any women, children or animals. He’s not in trouble with the law or running around abusing his body with too much nightclubbing, drugs or alcohol. From what I’ve heard he’s even polite and gracious with fans. Frankly, I think we need to cut the guy some slack in the criticism department.
Who is there at T.O.’s house to tell him to “shut up and eat his oatmeal”? Who’s around to assure him that he’s still a good guy when he says something stupid and the media skewers him? What woman reminds him that he’s only human after a 12-catch game and assures him that he’s still loved when he drops 5 in a row? If there were, he wouldn’t constantly beg for so much love from the rest of the world? 81’s neediness is palpable and rather sad, not to mention how embarrassing it is to witness a grown man who never learned to play well with others or share his toys.
But not just any woman will do (right, Tony Romo?). Deion Sanders runs a rookie training program called Prime U. He devotes an entire section of the curriculum to the dangers of gold-diggers and people who can drag you and your newly signed millions straight into the gutter. The instructors are females decked out to make the young pre-draftees drool. I’m frankly surprised the kids hear a word that comes out of their mouths – but the interviews proved that Deion was a genius. The young men gave credence to the lecture BECAUSE of the way those teachers looked. I guess you have to be a guy to appreciate the kind of laser-like focus a young male can center onto a sexy female. T.O. obviously needs a little work in this area, lest anyone forget that disaster of a publicist and her “25 million reasons to be alive”! At least SOMEONE cared enough about Owens to convince him to ditch her!
Perhaps football fans should start a non-profit dedicated to matching single football players with young women of substance. That’s a good cause for anyone who’d rather see T.O. catching over the middle than humiliating himself doing shirtless sit-ups for the cameras or Romo throwing TD’s rather than doing ANYTHING with that Simpson person! The days of playboy Joe Namath and playing hung over for the Raiders are over, boys. I can’t imagine the number of rudderless girls who throw themselves at NFL athletes and the number of single post-teenaged millionaires who roam the nightclub Serengeti looking for trouble – and finding it like Vick or Burress. Sexists may call spouses a “ball and chain” but there’s nothing wrong with a solid anchor in the stormy seas of an NFL career. Maybe Michelle Obama has a younger sister we can introduce to Terrell.